Forgotten Scars

Sitting on my bed, sort of relaxing, I noticed from a glance, the long scar on my leg rarely thought of.  Suddenly, I remembered that day, where I was and how the ironing board scraped my leg.  It was one of those long and skinny kind that shouldn’t have left a lasting mark. Yet, even now, more than 20 years later it’s still there if you know where to look.

Becoming aware of scars was the theme of this week. A few nights ago my niece, 3, gasped at seeing my nearly 2-inch Nike shaped swooshed scar on my forearm.  She was worried until I began to explain that it happened a long time ago and I was fine.  (It also seemed like a good moment to teach the age old lesson that you should never try to be more grown-up than you are.  Trying to shave at 7, with a not-so-safe safety razor, is a very BAD idea.)

Healing was the other theme for last week.  I’ve had a few reminders of some fully healed emotional hurts brought to my attention.  Just like my physical scars were forgotten, so too were these things from my past. That is, until something or someone reminded me that I had a scar.  Then poof, real life faded into the background and I found myself in that place and time I never wished to see again.

Can I just say, and I hope you’re with me here, I hate it when that happens!! 

Anger is easy to accept and dismiss, but I know it’s also something that can poison your soul if you let it settle into your heart.  Fear of hurt is just as damaging.  It can make you withhold trust or miss love.  So, I’ve been wondering if remembering the past was a sign that I hadn’t forgiven…or maybe I hadn’t healed as much as I thought?  Then again, perhaps the hurt was healed and I was staring at a mark that will remain with me.  I find my lip quivering just a bit at the idea that I’m failing… failing to give people the kind of forgiveness, and even forgetfulness, that God has given to me.

Sitting in the dark and enjoying the silence I prayed over the things pushing their way into my mind.  I asked for understanding.  And that is what I found.  I saw myself for who I was and who I needed to be.  I could see the fear causing me to lose my way on the road of love.  And I saw feelings of rejection poisoning me as well.  And like the very popular song says to do, I "Let it Go."  I put the past back where it belonged.  And I took hold of my feelings and reined them in. 

It’s funny, I had been praying for someone I know to have a mirror put in front of them so they could see some things that needed to change and instead I had one put in front of me.

"My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you which can save you.  Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves.  Do what is says.  Anyone who listens to the word, but does not do what it says, is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like." James 1:19-24

Not The Consolation Prize You Think It Is

Today something I’ve heard at least 20 times this year hit me differently, and offered a new perspective on life.  “There are worse things than being single.”

The implication here has always been that to be married to the wrong person, to be in a loveless marriage, the abusive sort, or one with no real connection is certainly worse.  I would agree with this whole heartedly.  And being desperate to fix the “problem of being alone” can have disastrous results.  In fact I have often made this my argument for being as careful as I am with whom I date.

But tonight something spilled out of my mouth that I now stand behind.  “That saying isn’t right.  It’s as if someone is saying, ‘your life stinks, but hey, it could be worse.  You could be in a bad marriage. So at least there’s that’.  But really, my life is great!  I’ve got it good!  Being single IS awesome!”

I get that most people don’t wear the unmarried outfit that well.  It might be tight and ill fitting, it could be loose and blousy, maybe a hot mess, but I think it looks pretty stylin' on me, so I’m owning it!  My new goal will be to make people say, “Hey, there are worse things than being married.”

FL Coast

Well, not really.  I love seeing people with their perfect match, I like seeing the joy that it brings to their lives.  But, I might just like to point out that I also have a sweet life.  I will give you my list.  And hey, if you marrieds feel jealous, I’m sorry. And for you singles out there I hope you will wake up and smell the coffee…cause your life rocks!

Colorado Mt.

1. Your Life Is Your Own: You get to drive it wherever you like.  There is less fear over how your choices will mess up your family and spouse.  I’m a careful person, but I only have to wonder if I’m screwing up my own life and that’s how I like it.

2.Your Time Is Your Own: Do you want to read a book? Do you want to take a bath without being disturbed? Do you want to dress up and go out with friends on a whim?  Well guess what, YOU SINGLE folks can!  Haven’t you ever heard your friends talk about parenthood?  You may be dreaming about babies, you may have all their names picked out, but I'll bet you didn’t know it’s hard to take a shower without your kid barging in on you!  Good babysitters are hard to come by.  And sleeping 8 hours a night is the crazed fantasy of most moms out there.

Glacier National Park

3.Your Money Is Your Own:  Hello, have you ever heard how much kids cost, singles! Diapers, stitches, broken arms, extra food, not to mention those hard to come by babysitters.

4.Your House Is Clean: Stop in on a mom half way through the day and you will understand this one.  Kids and spouses are messy. Extra dishes, lots of dirty laundry, crumbs everywhere and hand prints in the most odd places.  That’s life and you married couples have to deal with it. 

San Diego ZOO

5. Travel:   Do I have to explain this one???  Parents would love to go on a vacation without their kids.  Singles can plan a trip spontaneously because there’s only one schedule to worry about.  As long as you have time, off you can go.  Not so for parents.  Their trips must be planned at least 6 months out, school is factored in, praying you child doesn’t break a major bone before that trip, and hoping no real finacial emergencies come up is always on their minds, not to mention having to find house and pet sitters.

Disney World

6. Quiet:  Pay close attention to this one singles, you may take this for granted in a major way, but I promise you that parents know what a treasure this is.

7. What’s Mine Is Mine: I already mentioned money, but I didn’t cover THINGS.  I have lots of nieces and nephews and just from the short visits I’ve had with them I learned quickly that if it isn’t locked up its fair game.  Make-up is ruined, clothes stained, lamps broken, bedding wrecked, computers dropped just to name a few.  And my nieces and nephews are better-behaved than most kids FYI.

Canada

There really isn’t a need to go on because I think I have made my point.  My life, as I said, ROCKS.  I get to offer help to moms who need a night off because I have time, I get to drop everything and take a vacation, I am able to work for myself because I’m responsible.  I carry my own load and have a fairly drama-free world.  And by the way, I get to be the “Fun Aunt”.  So the next time you feel tempted to offer the consolation prize to a single friend, don’t.  Remind them how great they have it.  Help them see what they do have.  And singles, don’t be demanding of your already taxed friends who are trying to cope with how hard it is to be a good wife and mother.  Maybe offer to help her with the kids for a day, most likely by the end of the day you will see how great you life really is.

Treasure Island, FL

Joy For Tears

There I was, looking out towards the door of our fifth-wheel when a cute face popped inside to deliver a message.  Just as suddenly, my smile turned sour as I saw my niece tumbling all the way down the three steeps mettle steps.  The clanging of her 4 foot frame bashing into each star was deafening.

This day had already been a pretty hard one for her with a sudden visit to the Dr. first thing that morning for an unknown sickness.  After blood being drawn, urine sample taken and finally an IV put in it turned out to be a major case of dehydration brought on by a flu bug. So you can imagine how this was more than just another fall.

We all rushed to snatch her up and hand her over to the calming arms of her Mama.  She sniffled, wailed and moaned.  I got her an ice pack as she lay, rocked back and forth, in the arms of comfort.  After about 10 minutes of tears the crying died down.  Mama soothed the fears and all the pain went away.  By the end of the day she was almost bursting with energy and the desire to roam and play could hardly be contained!

It was this memory that came to mind as I was dealing with my own emotional tumble down the stars of life.   The relational collision awakened fear in my heart.  The emotional wounds throbbed with pain causing tears to wet my face and my journal but than suddenly I thought how wonderful it felt to be in the comforting arms of God, to feel the closeness, the soothing words and peaceful presence of being close to a God who loves me. 

I thought about the feeling of peace which came as the result of dealing with hurt.  Just like my niece, I have a hard time sitting still with an eagerness to live, work and have adventures.  Lately I haven’t been climbing into the lap of God so to speak, but it was this moment, and several others, which made my need for that comfort undeniable.

It astounds me, truly, that hard times bring so many wonderful feelings of safety and hope?!  It made me glad for this moment.  For the chance to step out of self-reliance and into childlike weakness for the comfort that it brings.

Isaiah 51 was really encouraging.  I'll just give you a few highlights.

"Listen to me, you who pursue righteousness, you who seek the LORD: ", "For the LORD comforts Zion: he comforts all her waste places and makes her wilderness like Eden, her desert like the garden of the LORD; joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the voice of song", "I will set my justice for a light to the people. My righteousness draws near, my salvation has gone out and my arms will judge the peoples; the coastlands hope for me, and for my arm they wait.", "my salvation will be forever, and my righteousness will never be dismayed.", "Awake, awake, put on strength, oh arm of the LORD; (people of God)" "And the ransomed of the LORD shall return and come to Zion with singing; everlasting joy shall be upon their heads; they shall obtain gladness and joy, and sorrow and sighing shall flee away.", "I, I am he who comforts you"

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yUIKLLa42_Q

Face to Face Praise

Lately my brain seems to be on replay over this idea of words and their power to inspire and heal.  You may know what I’m talking about, words that make you feel like you can fly, even if for the briefest moment.  These thought lead me to do a kind of experiment in which I keep my eyes open for chances to praise individuals genuinely.

One such moment was when I went to eat breakfast at VI on a Sunday morning.  The place was packed and tables were scarce.  After a short wait my friend and I were seated.  That’s when I noticed the waitress who was looking after our section was someone who had served me before (It may seem strange but I remember people usually after meeting them once).  Well, there I was with my friend who was a little picky, partly due to food allergies, and I could see all the pressure our waitress had on her.  She did so many things really well and I was impressed by her hard work, so here was my shot, “Wow, you know you’re a rock star over here!  Thanks for that extra coffee and for remembering our crazy order.  You served me before actually.  You did a great job then and you’re doing an even better job today in spite of how busy it is here.” 

Have you ever seen someone carrying a heavy bag that is almost crushing them and the relief on their face when they get to take the load off?  Now imagine the sun shining brightly on that face and a major smile breaking through and you might have an idea of what this woman’s face looked like.

My friend and I finished up our meal, said thanks to our waitress and went on our way.  I'm not sure what my friend was thinking about while we headed to our own cars, but as for me, I felt a spring in my step as I turned my thoughts over to the way I was able to give appreciation and value to our server. The funny thing is that in making someone’s face light up I’m pretty sure it made my face shine too. 

So for the last few weeks I keep having these questions and thoughts pop up.  One of those thoughts was from my teen years.  I remember a few instances when people would tell me that my mom, or maybe one of my sisters said something nice about me, but I never knew how to react.  It wasn't that I thought my friend was lying to me, it was more that what I was being told was something I hadn't heard face to face so I found it hard to believe.  You may think I’m silly, but in my teens I just assumed that my family member was doing good P.R. and that the words of, “Your (Blank) thinks a lot of you” wasn't worth much.

Why is it that most words of praise remain unsaid?  There is often something we could say to help pick someone up, but we don’t…and I can’t understand why we wouldn't?  How hard is it to look outside of ourselves and offer someone a boost?  Are we that afraid of looking silly?  Are we in too much of a rush?  Are we so consumed with our own heaviness that we don’t even bother to lighten other’s loads?  Or maybe it’s something as simple as forgetfulness?

Now that I’m older affirming words from those I love means more to me than just about anything.  I can remember a card my sister wrote to me about two years ago…it brought me to tears over what my sister had written.  She told me how much she believes in me, how proud she is of me and how she respects the woman I've chosen to be.  That card, those words, became a treasure that I have kept and it was of more value to me than the gift, wonderful as the gift was, because words seem to last longer, both the good and the bad.

So, I guess the point that I’m trying to get at is this, be sure to say those nice things to the ones you love…not ABOUT them, but TO them.  Make sure there isn't a question in their mind of whether you see the good in them or not.  Be a part of encouraging them to notice their talents and strengths.  There is almost always something nice to say, so say it!

Loving Who You Are, No Apology

About two years ago I went through a body change, I think I left my teen years behind and shifted into womanhood.  Even though I still get the shock of, “I can’t believe you’re 30.  I thought you were 19,” I have indeed gained some of those womanly curves that usually hits the 20-something’s.

In the last few months I have been thinking about what it means to accept yourself for who you are.  And I’ve decided that this is a pretty important part of getting the future generations to see beauty in all its forms.  

What got my brain working was a funny sort of comment from a 4-year-old boy who I often watch.  He noticed that I don’t have a flat butt, and he found that funny and strange.  I handled it as well as I could.  I tried to help him understand that it’s no big deal, no pun intended, and that people aren't all the same shape. 

Later on as I was going about my work I wondered if I had said the right things or not?  I finally came to the conclusion that if I’m ashamed of who I am, I am teaching him to look at others with a bad judgment in the future.  If he grows up to find straight frames attractive that’s ok, but I hope he will see beauty in a more complete way because of my words of confidence in who I am.

My other interaction was with a 6-year-old girl whom I also look after often.  She asked me very plainly, “Why are you fat?” without missing a beat I said, “Oh, I’m not fat, I’m just a different shape.”  For which she returned, “Than why are your legs big?” reply, “Because I’m very strong.  I have lots of muscles.”

This is actually very true.  I have always been this build.  As a kid I lived on the trampoline, and now with cleaning houses I have gained even more strength, sometimes carrying 60 LB.   It may sound like I’m defending myself I guess, but really I'm just giving you some back story to this blog.  I learned to accept my build in my early 20’s and decided that I'm very attractive as I am.  

If I wasn't strong and healthy then I think I might feel a little more insecure on this topic, but truthfully, I am, as my life insurance police stated, "Health Preferred".   

Through all of this, I've been thinking of moms all over who keep saying they are fat, I need to be thinner, I’m not pretty because I’m not (Blank).  And I keep thinking that we women might be teaching kids to think there is only one way to be considered physically attractive and that's a huge mistake. 

So ladies, I hope you will think on this one for a bit.  Ask yourself if you’re living a healthy life, and if the answer is yes, than start standing up for yourself and don’t apologize for not being one build or another.  The same goes for ladies who are naturally thin and wish they had more curves, DON’T do it, accept who you are and love who you are...because ladies, God made you who you are and that's a big deal.

Psalm 139:9- 19 "If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.  If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.  For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.  How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you. If only you would slay the wicked, O God! Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!

Check out this link to an  Article about why Barbie's body isn't real

13 going on 30

This is kind of a big year for me.  I turned 30 on Saturday.  But before Saturday I think 13 was the main year of hopeful expectations for the future and what it might hold.  It was one of the biggest days of my life . . . I was now a teen!  And other than leaving the tween years behind me I felt that I had stepped into a new place in life that I really wanted to relish.  And now here I am at another mile stone year, 30, and this year may surpass all the others completely!

I began to think that this was going to be a great start to the a new season in life on Friday actually.  It was the day before my party and I had lots on my mind with things that needed to get finished in time for my 1930's themed party.  As I walked into my house, sweaty and hot from a long day at work, arms piled high with bags and boxes, I was chatting away to my mom who stood in the kitchen.  Suddenly I heard someone's voice coming from my living room behind me, I looked over . . . and that's when I saw her . . . my dearest of friends had surprised me by flying all the way from her state to mine just to be at my party. I screamed and screamed and then screamed some more with elation at having someone who cares so much for me there for my milestone moment.

That night we had fondu, did paraffin hand treatments, painted our nails and hung a bit of decor.  I could hardly sleep for the expectation of the next morning and day.

In the Car, on our way to breakfast

In the morning, after sleeping in, Rachel and I went out to breakfast.  Of course before we left for breakfast my Mom and Rachel wanted to give me presents, and how COULD I refuse.  Each gift was perfect and so thoughtful, but there was one gift in particular which again brought me back to my 13th birthday.  It was the gift from my Dad.  This year he bought me a very sweet necklace which said all the words that I need to hear daily.  Things like you are loved, cherished, worth celebrating, and valued.  I cried . . . like a child, especial after my mom told me how he had picked it just for me, how he couldn't wait to give it to me. That necklace reminded me of a letter my dad wrote for me on my 13th, it was a sort of welcome into womanhood note that only a father can write. It was the sort that made a little 13 year old know that she was her daddy's little girl, she was safe, loved . . . and she was growing into a slightly less awkward young woman.  It was the year when I felt that anything was possible for me.

Hoping to get 21

Now here I am, packing up all the lovely things from my 1930's themed party overwhelmed yet a again by the amount of love that soaked my soul yesterday!  My friends came, gave me thoughtful gifts, lovely cards, and even dressed up in costumes.  We all laughed and visited with one another.  It couldn't have been better.  But things went so fast that if I hadn't slowed down to clean up the remains of a well planned event I would have missed it.

I lay awake Saturday night, thoughts flying through my mind of how my sisters (Michelle and Melody) and my out-of-town friend saved the day by helping finish things up so I could get my costume on.  Or how my mom pushed through feeling sick so that she could help me make some of the food for the party.  Thoughts of posing with friends in our cute clothes.  My dad's surprise police raid on our Speakeasy.  Laughing at how my brother-in-law tried to rig the card game so someone would win, but that person, unaware of the friendly help, lost anyway!  Thinking of how much each person enjoyed meeting each other.  How all my family loved meeting (Rachel) my out-of-state friend, seeing how much she enjoyed meeting them.  Eating cake that was amazing, partly because of flavor, and partly because it was such a thoughtful gift.  Patti making the memories last by being our photographer for the party.  ALL of it struck me suddenly and I almost burst into more tears overcome by the love and friendship.  This has been one of those moments for me that I realize yet again how very rich I am in life.  I know that many in their 30is have kids, a husband, maybe a career and they are blessed to have these things which I can only imagine what it would feel like to have.  But I think all the same, that I am blessed beyond what I can contain!  I am happy to be alive, happy to be who I am and full of all that life has in store for me.

Relearning How To Fly; Finding My Happy Thought

Do you remember your youth/teen years fondly?  When you see pictures of yourself in your teens and 20’s what sort of thoughts come to mind?  Maybe your thoughts start to wander to past hobbies, boys you liked, friends that you had and perhaps the way that you enjoyed life.

I think for many women the rapid linkage of one thought to another one is second nature for us.  Recently, I had a simple thought about how I might be “growing up” in ways that I might not want to.  That thought lead me to think of Peter Pan, which then lead me to think of the movie HOOK.  This movie is about how Peter grew up and became a grumpy, unhappy and overly responsible person who forgot who he was and lost himself completely.  As my mind went to that movie I had an immediate visual of the scene where Peter is having to relearn how to fly in order to save his kids. Literally catapulting through the air he chants, “think happy thoughts,” over and over in hopes of finding a happy thought to avoid crashing.

I’ve been think, that just maybe, this adulthood thing, though all well and good, had caused me to forget how to fly.  Here I am alive and well, but with both feet planted on the ground as I look at things with my newly developed logic and good sense.

One thing about myself that I'm worried about having lost is my optimism for others.  I used to always believe the best of people.  You might say I was a bit too trusting, maybe even naive.  Of course the result of my blind faith had many negative consequences which, if I could go back, I might change.  But for the last several weeks I keep finding things that are reminding me of my youthful outlook on life.  CD’s that I used to listen too, art that I did, movies that made me laugh etc.  I had almost completely forgotten about these wonderful things which had been my happy thoughts of life.

It was about 2009 or so when things really started to change with me.  I was in one of those hard seasons of life that we all have where you learn to become stronger as the result of pain.  As soon as I got through 09 I had the aftermath of that year to sift through.  When I thought I had my feet under me 2011 surprised me and all my happy thoughts seemed to be shaken yet again.

So, I’ve been wondering to myself how I can stay wise, be responsible and yet still be able to fly with hopeful thoughts for myself and others.  I feel homesick for my past self, the naive trusting person that I was, but I also know that to really love someone you have to see them for who they are, flaws and all, and stick by them anyways.  You have to believe in others, cheer them on, while making sure that you don’t make their future success or failure your responsibility.

 

So maybe I just want to laugh like I used to while still hanging onto the wiser me.  I’m sure that I can enjoy being a tender heart while staying wise.

“See, I send you out as sheep among wolves. Be then as wise as snakes, and as gentle as doves.” (Matthew 10:16 BBE)  This seems to be a long standing lesson that I am trying to master.  I know that there is a need to see people and situations as they are in order to really do some good, or to just to stay out of a bad place, but I always seem to err on the side of being a dove.

I guess that this balance is always going to be hard to keep, but with everything in me, I will think my happy thoughts!!!  I will fly in hope, for myself and others!!! Surly both are possible, to be a grown-up and to be innocent and light hearted. 

Here is one of the songs that was bringing me back to my youth.  Darrell Evens was someone who's CD I could have worn out if that is possible  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0WnbRtASRmM

The Conudrum; Sticking with your boundaries

For the last few weeks I have felt that I was in a conundrum.  My problem is with this thing called boundaries and how to hold fast to them after I have laid them out.

This morning I was reminded of a few memories from when I was a kid that relate to this situation that I’m trying to navigate through.  One of those memories was from when I was about 7.  We were on our way to school when one of my siblings, with a mean smile, was doing something to me that they knew I hated.  I remember asking them over and over to stop till finally I said, “If you don’t stop I’m going to bite you!”  I felt this was a fare warning, but when they continued to mess with me I had to follow through.  I took their arm in my hands and bit it!  Quick as a flash they smacked me up-side my head.  I was shocked and responded, “Why did you hit me?”, their reply, “Because you bit me!”, my return, “But I told you I would if you didn’t stop.”

Fast forward about 3 years and my seconded memory comes into play, but this time it was a different sibling.  I feel I should mention that I’m the youngest of 5 kids and had to learn to handle myself and think for myself early on.  This time it was my brother who was playing around with me.  He was much bigger than me, about 6 foot with growing still to do, and we liked to rough house, but this time he had my head trapped between his ankles.  I laugh at first, but after a bit I told him to let me go...he didn't.  So I made my threat, "Let me go or I will bite you".  He didn’t and so I bit him.  I was suddenly released as I heard him say, "Hey, you bit me!"  I stood up, dusted myself off and looked at him.  With breaking eye contact, feeling slightly bad, I told him that I did warn him.  Funny enough I think he understood my boundary unlike my other sibling.

It was this morning, as I tried to decide how to respond to someone who is testing my boundaries, that I remembered these occurrences in my life.  One person stuck me as I enforced a boundary and the other responded with surprise but learned to respect me.

 

It would seem that as I’ve walked into adulthood I’ve partly lost my knack for making a clear boundary and sticking to it without shame.  Today I am trying to sort through things and continue to be wise and loving as I remind myself that boundaries make good friendships better and weak relationships safe.  And for whatever reason I'm wrestling with the truth that you can love and respect someone while you enforce a boundary! 

I find myself praying that God would help me to stand up for what I know is right and that he would help me keep loving in the process.

Here are some links to two books that helped change my life as an adult

1. Safe People; How to find relationships that are good for you http://www.amazon.com/Safe-People-Relationships-Avoid-ebook/dp/B002AKPG34/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1370187206&sr=1-1&keywords=safe+people
2. Boundaries; when to say yes and how to say no http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Say-Yes-ebook/dp/B000FC2K9W/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1370187166&sr=8-1&keywords=boundaries

Seeing and Dealing With Fear

Do you have any irrational fears?  Mine use to be spiders and a fear of burning to death, a morbid one I know, but this week while I was cleaning house for my client I found that I have a new irrational fear.  My client’s barking dog.  I’ve tried pretty hard to make friends with him to no avail.  Its been surprising to me because 99.9% of dogs love me!  Silly enough the other dog could care less whether I’m there or not, she barks till she sees me and then it’s over.  She also gets to enjoy some freedom because I let her out to play while her friend is stuck in his kennel.

You should see me as I clean.  Headphones in my ears while I tip toe around doing what I can to avoid, as far as I can tell, the territory he has marked out as the Amanda free zone.  Duster in hand I clean quickly in peace.  That is until I get to the Dead Zone, then I have to shift to slow motion in hopes of avoiding his fang dripping wrath.  It never works though.  And it doesn’t stop with the dusting, I have to come round to sweep, vacuum and mop too.  Until I’m out of site he is filled with rage.  You might think I should try bribing him . . . didn’t work, I’ve already tried.  Maybe some soothing words could help, but you would be wrong there too.

Without fail he gets me to jump out of my skin every time even while I am aware that his snarl is on its way.  Here is the funny part though, I know the dog can’t get out to hurt me because he has tried hard enough and failed, but his aggression seems to give me amnesia and I suddenly begin to cower.

This Friday I realized that there is someone, a person mind you, who effects me in the same way as that angry dog.  I tip toe around them, trying to use my soft voice, offer them what I think they want, all for not.  In the end they always make me jump with fear.  After an encounter with them I have tingling fingers from the adrenalin charging through my body just like my dog run ins.

Recently I took a stand and spoke my mind, well I replied to an email to be more specific.  I can’t explain fully how I felt.  I should have been overjoyed but I actually was trembling as I waited for their bitter response . . . that’s when I saw the hold of fear they had over me.  And I suddenly thought of the words “Perfect love casts out all fear, and God did not give us a spirit of fear but of power and love and a sound mind.”

As I lay on my bed coaching myself to not let fear take over, I reminded myself of the worst that could happen.  I found that the cost of truth didn’t have a major price other than that person hating me.  It was like me coaching myself to not be afraid of the dog, knowing that he couldn’t get out, “You’re safe, don’t let this jangle your nerves”.

I guess I still don’t know where things stand with my barking person, but at least this problem is teaching me to not let fear control me.

I still wish that there was something more that could be done with them.  I want thing to be good and I want for them to understand that I still care.  In fact, it has caused me some heart ache at their unwillingness to accept my words of honesty.  I won’t let this stop my love for them, but I also have to see things as they are . . . they don’t know how to love people well.  So until they change I’ll have to keep them in their kennel so to speak, until they stop trying to intimidate me.

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.  We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen.  And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother.” 1John 4:18-21, “

“Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble.  Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.” 1 Peter 3:8-9

The Family Tree, New Discoveries

I’ve been wondering for a long time about my great grandparents, wondering who they were, what they loved and how my identity might change if I knew the history of my ancestors' past.

The problem is that I really know very little about the generations before me.  This has always been a bit sad to me, but last week a new stream from my family past, which had been dammed up, was now flowing!  My grandfather, whom I have never met, passed away.  It was a pretty sad thing at first, but what came out of my parents visit to his widow shed so much light on things.  I learned that my Grandfather was one of those people who said, “I’ll never do that again, or go through that again”.  Which hit me hard, because I am prone to being that kind of person . . . learning from mistakes is one of my greatest strengths, but it's also my biggest weakness.  My Grandfather’s fears of pain could be the very reason he never let us get to know him and that was one lesson from the past to take to heart.

I also learned that he was interested in investments and was great with money.  I thought that that was funny because so am I.  He was artistic, something I did already know, and this is something I like as well.  And as I looked at the picture of him in his 40’s I almost cried because I could see his hands were so much like my fathers hands, strong and kind.  His chin was the same as my Dad’s chin too.  Some how I felt like I was meeting him for the first time and it made me think we would have become chums if only he had let us in . . .

My Grandfather

I also learned some things about my great grandparents.  They came to the US from Germany and my Grandfather was the first in his family to be born here in the United States.  I heard about what region they were from and I learned that there are many people from his side of the family still living!

So all this history made me think of who I am and what things in my life have been important.  If I were to die what would I want people to know about me?  What were the things that made me the person that I am today?

Suddenly my mind had bullet points of life changing events.  And here is what they are.

• When I was 7 I begged my parents to let me be baptized.  They thought I was too young and didn’t know what I was asking to do.  But after weeks of my begging they finally said, “Do you even know what that means?”  I told them that knew what it meant.  It was a way of telling everyone that I really loved God and that I would serve God for the rest of my life.  After that they said yes and my dad was right there with me when I got baptized.
• Not quite a year later I went to a summer kids church service and there a speaker talked about the Holy Spirit coming into people.  He said it was like having an extra measure of God and if you wanted it all you had to do was ask.  My heart was pounding while I waited for him to say come forward.  I rushed up, he prayed for all of the kids, and something happened.  I knew God was filling me up with more of him!
• That’s when I started to have dreams.  They were different than the usual scary or weird dreams that kids have.  I dreamed about Jesus and all sorts of other things.  I would dream something and then like two weeks or a few months later I would be living what I had dreamed.
• I also learned that I had a reading problem.  No matter how hard I tried I wasn’t able to break the code to read.  My mom searched and searched for an answer and finally when I was about 10 or 11 we found the answers we needed.  That struggle taught me never to give up!  You can do anything as long as you’re willing to work hard.
• When I was 14 I hated how different I was so I said, enough with the God stuff.  After about 3 or 4 months of me turning into the worst version of myself I could be I went to a youth conference, and while I was there I remembered who I really was and I recommitted myself to God.  I started to forgive people I had held hatred in my heart for and I began to change.
• When I was 15 crying in my room, feeling so alone, I suddenly felt that God was there.  Don’t ask me to explain it or prove it, I just knew he was there.  Suddenly I felt peace.  God was there and he made sure that I knew/felt his love.

Those were the major things that lead me to where I am now.  Of course there were may other struggles, people I dated, YWAM, and jobs that have been a part of the process but there really isn’t enough room to recount them.  These are the things that really matter to me, the things that started me on my journey and have been like a car that covers me along the way.  These are the things I’m reminded of often when I want to quite or when I feel defeated.  These are the memories that make me who I am and the reasons behind the things I do.

Me wearing the hat that belonged to my Grandfather

No matter what new things I learn about the family I never knew, I will still be me, but it is amazing to know more about my heritage!

Forgotten Love

Have you ever hit your head so hard that you got a concussion?  One of the main things you have to be careful of is taking a nap afterwards because if you fall asleep you may not wake up at all.  As a precaution you actually have to be woken every hour or so.

I can’t tell you when I hit my emotional head last, but I’m pretty sure I've had a concussion for a while and didn’t even know it!  I was looking back at the past writing I had been working on when I started to wake up so to speak.  I had yet again fallen into a dead sleeping stupor.  Finding this misplaced blog was my wake up call.

--Last night and this morning I have been flooded with some very wonderful memories of words that I was given over a year ago.  One of those words echoed in my heart after I read Mark 14:3b-9.  The story is about a woman who gives up a very valuable perfume to pour onto Jesus.  This was the best that she could do to honor Jesus as the King that he was, but to those around her it was like tearing up thousand bucks and throwing it in the wind.  Amazingly enough Jesus very boldly shuts these critics up, by saying that this woman would always be talked about as someone who had done the right thing!!!

In contrast, for the first time I saw that after a very sound rebuke from Jesus about loving money more than God, Judas makes a powerful choice.  He seeks out the leading priests and sells Jesus’ life for a bit of gold.

Two people who seemed to be followers of Jesus, one of which had been traveling with Jesus for three years, but two different actions.  One poured out their best gift…I can almost smell the fragrance trailing behind Jesus as he rides the donkey into town, with the crowds shouting, “Hosanna!” (John12)  The other rushes off to get what he can while the getting is good.

Choosing to be single because you want to serve God with your life is like a costly perfume too.  I have often felt the frowns from those that I love as they say to themselves, “What a waste.  Amanda could be such a great mom, great wife, but instead she refuses to get her life together so she can be married.”  I remember the day that God told me that he saw my sacrifice as a beautiful gift and that HE would rebuke those who were disparaging my offering of love.--

The promises of God’s love for me is something that I too often forget.  I seem to get rapped up in how strange I feel, how little I fit in, and lost in the swirling words of other's disapproval and judgment.  Reading this almost posted blog was just what I needed to refresh my mind and bring my life back into focus.

 

Out Growing the Past. . .And Moving On

I'm sure that you know what day hit us last week.  Yes, that dreaded day of days which every unattached person tries to hide from, mostly because it gets you thinking.  Thoughts usually begin with what last year’s Valentines day looked like, then it shifts to counting how many years it’s been since you last had a date worth remembering and finally ending with the memories of your relationships that almost had a happily-ever-after instead of ending in catastrophe.

I’m no different than the rest.  I had my thoughts too, but it seemed funny to me this time around.  As I remembered myself at 22 and the man that I wanted to spend my life with from that season, it felt foreign to me.  That maddening magic which had made me lose my senses so long ago seemed to have worn off completely.

Funny enough about 5 months ago my former Prince Charmless contacted me.  Seeing his FB message made me nearly pass out with surprise.  I found that I didn’t have any hurt feelings or much of any feelings in connection with this person whom I had held out hope for even 2 years after our break up.  This time he was coming to me, hoping to come back, but it stirred nothing within me other than a willingness to move on and let him go.  Wishing him well I waved goodbye as I closed and locked that door to my past.

So my Valentines day thoughts led me to wonder if it would ever have actually worked.  With me being a different person and him, I'm assuming here, being different, could it have been something worth having?  What I found was that I could never, and would never, want the past to be my present.  I had changed so completely from 6 years ago that we would never match up now.  And as I see things through the vision of a woman and not the eyes of a young girl, I see that I want more, I believe I’m worth more, and that I should be looking for more.  I truly am nothing like the person of my past…I would like to think that I have grown into someone more confident, more kind…and quite frankly less foolish. 

Today, after watching a TLC show I felt the urge to take out the dress that I had hoped to wear so very long ago.  I looked at it, remembered it like a dream faded, and after seeing that it really didn’t fit me anymore I put it back into the garment bag with no more thoughts of it playing a role in my future.  I’m glad I have outgrown the past because that means I can take on the present.  The possibilities for my present fill me with renewed hope!