Forgotten Scars

Sitting on my bed, sort of relaxing, I noticed from a glance, the long scar on my leg rarely thought of.  Suddenly, I remembered that day, where I was and how the ironing board scraped my leg.  It was one of those long and skinny kind that shouldn’t have left a lasting mark. Yet, even now, more than 20 years later it’s still there if you know where to look.

Becoming aware of scars was the theme of this week. A few nights ago my niece, 3, gasped at seeing my nearly 2-inch Nike shaped swooshed scar on my forearm.  She was worried until I began to explain that it happened a long time ago and I was fine.  (It also seemed like a good moment to teach the age old lesson that you should never try to be more grown-up than you are.  Trying to shave at 7, with a not-so-safe safety razor, is a very BAD idea.)

Healing was the other theme for last week.  I’ve had a few reminders of some fully healed emotional hurts brought to my attention.  Just like my physical scars were forgotten, so too were these things from my past. That is, until something or someone reminded me that I had a scar.  Then poof, real life faded into the background and I found myself in that place and time I never wished to see again.

Can I just say, and I hope you’re with me here, I hate it when that happens!! 

Anger is easy to accept and dismiss, but I know it’s also something that can poison your soul if you let it settle into your heart.  Fear of hurt is just as damaging.  It can make you withhold trust or miss love.  So, I’ve been wondering if remembering the past was a sign that I hadn’t forgiven…or maybe I hadn’t healed as much as I thought?  Then again, perhaps the hurt was healed and I was staring at a mark that will remain with me.  I find my lip quivering just a bit at the idea that I’m failing… failing to give people the kind of forgiveness, and even forgetfulness, that God has given to me.

Sitting in the dark and enjoying the silence I prayed over the things pushing their way into my mind.  I asked for understanding.  And that is what I found.  I saw myself for who I was and who I needed to be.  I could see the fear causing me to lose my way on the road of love.  And I saw feelings of rejection poisoning me as well.  And like the very popular song says to do, I "Let it Go."  I put the past back where it belonged.  And I took hold of my feelings and reined them in. 

It’s funny, I had been praying for someone I know to have a mirror put in front of them so they could see some things that needed to change and instead I had one put in front of me.

"My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you which can save you.  Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves.  Do what is says.  Anyone who listens to the word, but does not do what it says, is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like." James 1:19-24