Seeing and Dealing With Fear

Do you have any irrational fears?  Mine use to be spiders and a fear of burning to death, a morbid one I know, but this week while I was cleaning house for my client I found that I have a new irrational fear.  My client’s barking dog.  I’ve tried pretty hard to make friends with him to no avail.  Its been surprising to me because 99.9% of dogs love me!  Silly enough the other dog could care less whether I’m there or not, she barks till she sees me and then it’s over.  She also gets to enjoy some freedom because I let her out to play while her friend is stuck in his kennel.

You should see me as I clean.  Headphones in my ears while I tip toe around doing what I can to avoid, as far as I can tell, the territory he has marked out as the Amanda free zone.  Duster in hand I clean quickly in peace.  That is until I get to the Dead Zone, then I have to shift to slow motion in hopes of avoiding his fang dripping wrath.  It never works though.  And it doesn’t stop with the dusting, I have to come round to sweep, vacuum and mop too.  Until I’m out of site he is filled with rage.  You might think I should try bribing him . . . didn’t work, I’ve already tried.  Maybe some soothing words could help, but you would be wrong there too.

Without fail he gets me to jump out of my skin every time even while I am aware that his snarl is on its way.  Here is the funny part though, I know the dog can’t get out to hurt me because he has tried hard enough and failed, but his aggression seems to give me amnesia and I suddenly begin to cower.

This Friday I realized that there is someone, a person mind you, who effects me in the same way as that angry dog.  I tip toe around them, trying to use my soft voice, offer them what I think they want, all for not.  In the end they always make me jump with fear.  After an encounter with them I have tingling fingers from the adrenalin charging through my body just like my dog run ins.

Recently I took a stand and spoke my mind, well I replied to an email to be more specific.  I can’t explain fully how I felt.  I should have been overjoyed but I actually was trembling as I waited for their bitter response . . . that’s when I saw the hold of fear they had over me.  And I suddenly thought of the words “Perfect love casts out all fear, and God did not give us a spirit of fear but of power and love and a sound mind.”

As I lay on my bed coaching myself to not let fear take over, I reminded myself of the worst that could happen.  I found that the cost of truth didn’t have a major price other than that person hating me.  It was like me coaching myself to not be afraid of the dog, knowing that he couldn’t get out, “You’re safe, don’t let this jangle your nerves”.

I guess I still don’t know where things stand with my barking person, but at least this problem is teaching me to not let fear control me.

I still wish that there was something more that could be done with them.  I want thing to be good and I want for them to understand that I still care.  In fact, it has caused me some heart ache at their unwillingness to accept my words of honesty.  I won’t let this stop my love for them, but I also have to see things as they are . . . they don’t know how to love people well.  So until they change I’ll have to keep them in their kennel so to speak, until they stop trying to intimidate me.

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.  We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen.  And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother.” 1John 4:18-21, “

“Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble.  Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.” 1 Peter 3:8-9

The Family Tree, New Discoveries

I’ve been wondering for a long time about my great grandparents, wondering who they were, what they loved and how my identity might change if I knew the history of my ancestors' past.

The problem is that I really know very little about the generations before me.  This has always been a bit sad to me, but last week a new stream from my family past, which had been dammed up, was now flowing!  My grandfather, whom I have never met, passed away.  It was a pretty sad thing at first, but what came out of my parents visit to his widow shed so much light on things.  I learned that my Grandfather was one of those people who said, “I’ll never do that again, or go through that again”.  Which hit me hard, because I am prone to being that kind of person . . . learning from mistakes is one of my greatest strengths, but it's also my biggest weakness.  My Grandfather’s fears of pain could be the very reason he never let us get to know him and that was one lesson from the past to take to heart.

I also learned that he was interested in investments and was great with money.  I thought that that was funny because so am I.  He was artistic, something I did already know, and this is something I like as well.  And as I looked at the picture of him in his 40’s I almost cried because I could see his hands were so much like my fathers hands, strong and kind.  His chin was the same as my Dad’s chin too.  Some how I felt like I was meeting him for the first time and it made me think we would have become chums if only he had let us in . . .

My Grandfather

I also learned some things about my great grandparents.  They came to the US from Germany and my Grandfather was the first in his family to be born here in the United States.  I heard about what region they were from and I learned that there are many people from his side of the family still living!

So all this history made me think of who I am and what things in my life have been important.  If I were to die what would I want people to know about me?  What were the things that made me the person that I am today?

Suddenly my mind had bullet points of life changing events.  And here is what they are.

• When I was 7 I begged my parents to let me be baptized.  They thought I was too young and didn’t know what I was asking to do.  But after weeks of my begging they finally said, “Do you even know what that means?”  I told them that knew what it meant.  It was a way of telling everyone that I really loved God and that I would serve God for the rest of my life.  After that they said yes and my dad was right there with me when I got baptized.
• Not quite a year later I went to a summer kids church service and there a speaker talked about the Holy Spirit coming into people.  He said it was like having an extra measure of God and if you wanted it all you had to do was ask.  My heart was pounding while I waited for him to say come forward.  I rushed up, he prayed for all of the kids, and something happened.  I knew God was filling me up with more of him!
• That’s when I started to have dreams.  They were different than the usual scary or weird dreams that kids have.  I dreamed about Jesus and all sorts of other things.  I would dream something and then like two weeks or a few months later I would be living what I had dreamed.
• I also learned that I had a reading problem.  No matter how hard I tried I wasn’t able to break the code to read.  My mom searched and searched for an answer and finally when I was about 10 or 11 we found the answers we needed.  That struggle taught me never to give up!  You can do anything as long as you’re willing to work hard.
• When I was 14 I hated how different I was so I said, enough with the God stuff.  After about 3 or 4 months of me turning into the worst version of myself I could be I went to a youth conference, and while I was there I remembered who I really was and I recommitted myself to God.  I started to forgive people I had held hatred in my heart for and I began to change.
• When I was 15 crying in my room, feeling so alone, I suddenly felt that God was there.  Don’t ask me to explain it or prove it, I just knew he was there.  Suddenly I felt peace.  God was there and he made sure that I knew/felt his love.

Those were the major things that lead me to where I am now.  Of course there were may other struggles, people I dated, YWAM, and jobs that have been a part of the process but there really isn’t enough room to recount them.  These are the things that really matter to me, the things that started me on my journey and have been like a car that covers me along the way.  These are the things I’m reminded of often when I want to quite or when I feel defeated.  These are the memories that make me who I am and the reasons behind the things I do.

Me wearing the hat that belonged to my Grandfather

No matter what new things I learn about the family I never knew, I will still be me, but it is amazing to know more about my heritage!