13 going on 30

This is kind of a big year for me.  I turned 30 on Saturday.  But before Saturday I think 13 was the main year of hopeful expectations for the future and what it might hold.  It was one of the biggest days of my life . . . I was now a teen!  And other than leaving the tween years behind me I felt that I had stepped into a new place in life that I really wanted to relish.  And now here I am at another mile stone year, 30, and this year may surpass all the others completely!

I began to think that this was going to be a great start to the a new season in life on Friday actually.  It was the day before my party and I had lots on my mind with things that needed to get finished in time for my 1930's themed party.  As I walked into my house, sweaty and hot from a long day at work, arms piled high with bags and boxes, I was chatting away to my mom who stood in the kitchen.  Suddenly I heard someone's voice coming from my living room behind me, I looked over . . . and that's when I saw her . . . my dearest of friends had surprised me by flying all the way from her state to mine just to be at my party. I screamed and screamed and then screamed some more with elation at having someone who cares so much for me there for my milestone moment.

That night we had fondu, did paraffin hand treatments, painted our nails and hung a bit of decor.  I could hardly sleep for the expectation of the next morning and day.

In the Car, on our way to breakfast

In the morning, after sleeping in, Rachel and I went out to breakfast.  Of course before we left for breakfast my Mom and Rachel wanted to give me presents, and how COULD I refuse.  Each gift was perfect and so thoughtful, but there was one gift in particular which again brought me back to my 13th birthday.  It was the gift from my Dad.  This year he bought me a very sweet necklace which said all the words that I need to hear daily.  Things like you are loved, cherished, worth celebrating, and valued.  I cried . . . like a child, especial after my mom told me how he had picked it just for me, how he couldn't wait to give it to me. That necklace reminded me of a letter my dad wrote for me on my 13th, it was a sort of welcome into womanhood note that only a father can write. It was the sort that made a little 13 year old know that she was her daddy's little girl, she was safe, loved . . . and she was growing into a slightly less awkward young woman.  It was the year when I felt that anything was possible for me.

Hoping to get 21

Now here I am, packing up all the lovely things from my 1930's themed party overwhelmed yet a again by the amount of love that soaked my soul yesterday!  My friends came, gave me thoughtful gifts, lovely cards, and even dressed up in costumes.  We all laughed and visited with one another.  It couldn't have been better.  But things went so fast that if I hadn't slowed down to clean up the remains of a well planned event I would have missed it.

I lay awake Saturday night, thoughts flying through my mind of how my sisters (Michelle and Melody) and my out-of-town friend saved the day by helping finish things up so I could get my costume on.  Or how my mom pushed through feeling sick so that she could help me make some of the food for the party.  Thoughts of posing with friends in our cute clothes.  My dad's surprise police raid on our Speakeasy.  Laughing at how my brother-in-law tried to rig the card game so someone would win, but that person, unaware of the friendly help, lost anyway!  Thinking of how much each person enjoyed meeting each other.  How all my family loved meeting (Rachel) my out-of-state friend, seeing how much she enjoyed meeting them.  Eating cake that was amazing, partly because of flavor, and partly because it was such a thoughtful gift.  Patti making the memories last by being our photographer for the party.  ALL of it struck me suddenly and I almost burst into more tears overcome by the love and friendship.  This has been one of those moments for me that I realize yet again how very rich I am in life.  I know that many in their 30is have kids, a husband, maybe a career and they are blessed to have these things which I can only imagine what it would feel like to have.  But I think all the same, that I am blessed beyond what I can contain!  I am happy to be alive, happy to be who I am and full of all that life has in store for me.

Relearning How To Fly; Finding My Happy Thought

Do you remember your youth/teen years fondly?  When you see pictures of yourself in your teens and 20’s what sort of thoughts come to mind?  Maybe your thoughts start to wander to past hobbies, boys you liked, friends that you had and perhaps the way that you enjoyed life.

I think for many women the rapid linkage of one thought to another one is second nature for us.  Recently, I had a simple thought about how I might be “growing up” in ways that I might not want to.  That thought lead me to think of Peter Pan, which then lead me to think of the movie HOOK.  This movie is about how Peter grew up and became a grumpy, unhappy and overly responsible person who forgot who he was and lost himself completely.  As my mind went to that movie I had an immediate visual of the scene where Peter is having to relearn how to fly in order to save his kids. Literally catapulting through the air he chants, “think happy thoughts,” over and over in hopes of finding a happy thought to avoid crashing.

I’ve been think, that just maybe, this adulthood thing, though all well and good, had caused me to forget how to fly.  Here I am alive and well, but with both feet planted on the ground as I look at things with my newly developed logic and good sense.

One thing about myself that I'm worried about having lost is my optimism for others.  I used to always believe the best of people.  You might say I was a bit too trusting, maybe even naive.  Of course the result of my blind faith had many negative consequences which, if I could go back, I might change.  But for the last several weeks I keep finding things that are reminding me of my youthful outlook on life.  CD’s that I used to listen too, art that I did, movies that made me laugh etc.  I had almost completely forgotten about these wonderful things which had been my happy thoughts of life.

It was about 2009 or so when things really started to change with me.  I was in one of those hard seasons of life that we all have where you learn to become stronger as the result of pain.  As soon as I got through 09 I had the aftermath of that year to sift through.  When I thought I had my feet under me 2011 surprised me and all my happy thoughts seemed to be shaken yet again.

So, I’ve been wondering to myself how I can stay wise, be responsible and yet still be able to fly with hopeful thoughts for myself and others.  I feel homesick for my past self, the naive trusting person that I was, but I also know that to really love someone you have to see them for who they are, flaws and all, and stick by them anyways.  You have to believe in others, cheer them on, while making sure that you don’t make their future success or failure your responsibility.

 

So maybe I just want to laugh like I used to while still hanging onto the wiser me.  I’m sure that I can enjoy being a tender heart while staying wise.

“See, I send you out as sheep among wolves. Be then as wise as snakes, and as gentle as doves.” (Matthew 10:16 BBE)  This seems to be a long standing lesson that I am trying to master.  I know that there is a need to see people and situations as they are in order to really do some good, or to just to stay out of a bad place, but I always seem to err on the side of being a dove.

I guess that this balance is always going to be hard to keep, but with everything in me, I will think my happy thoughts!!!  I will fly in hope, for myself and others!!! Surly both are possible, to be a grown-up and to be innocent and light hearted. 

Here is one of the songs that was bringing me back to my youth.  Darrell Evens was someone who's CD I could have worn out if that is possible  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0WnbRtASRmM

The Conudrum; Sticking with your boundaries

For the last few weeks I have felt that I was in a conundrum.  My problem is with this thing called boundaries and how to hold fast to them after I have laid them out.

This morning I was reminded of a few memories from when I was a kid that relate to this situation that I’m trying to navigate through.  One of those memories was from when I was about 7.  We were on our way to school when one of my siblings, with a mean smile, was doing something to me that they knew I hated.  I remember asking them over and over to stop till finally I said, “If you don’t stop I’m going to bite you!”  I felt this was a fare warning, but when they continued to mess with me I had to follow through.  I took their arm in my hands and bit it!  Quick as a flash they smacked me up-side my head.  I was shocked and responded, “Why did you hit me?”, their reply, “Because you bit me!”, my return, “But I told you I would if you didn’t stop.”

Fast forward about 3 years and my seconded memory comes into play, but this time it was a different sibling.  I feel I should mention that I’m the youngest of 5 kids and had to learn to handle myself and think for myself early on.  This time it was my brother who was playing around with me.  He was much bigger than me, about 6 foot with growing still to do, and we liked to rough house, but this time he had my head trapped between his ankles.  I laugh at first, but after a bit I told him to let me go...he didn't.  So I made my threat, "Let me go or I will bite you".  He didn’t and so I bit him.  I was suddenly released as I heard him say, "Hey, you bit me!"  I stood up, dusted myself off and looked at him.  With breaking eye contact, feeling slightly bad, I told him that I did warn him.  Funny enough I think he understood my boundary unlike my other sibling.

It was this morning, as I tried to decide how to respond to someone who is testing my boundaries, that I remembered these occurrences in my life.  One person stuck me as I enforced a boundary and the other responded with surprise but learned to respect me.

 

It would seem that as I’ve walked into adulthood I’ve partly lost my knack for making a clear boundary and sticking to it without shame.  Today I am trying to sort through things and continue to be wise and loving as I remind myself that boundaries make good friendships better and weak relationships safe.  And for whatever reason I'm wrestling with the truth that you can love and respect someone while you enforce a boundary! 

I find myself praying that God would help me to stand up for what I know is right and that he would help me keep loving in the process.

Here are some links to two books that helped change my life as an adult

1. Safe People; How to find relationships that are good for you http://www.amazon.com/Safe-People-Relationships-Avoid-ebook/dp/B002AKPG34/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1370187206&sr=1-1&keywords=safe+people
2. Boundaries; when to say yes and how to say no http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Say-Yes-ebook/dp/B000FC2K9W/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1370187166&sr=8-1&keywords=boundaries

Seeing and Dealing With Fear

Do you have any irrational fears?  Mine use to be spiders and a fear of burning to death, a morbid one I know, but this week while I was cleaning house for my client I found that I have a new irrational fear.  My client’s barking dog.  I’ve tried pretty hard to make friends with him to no avail.  Its been surprising to me because 99.9% of dogs love me!  Silly enough the other dog could care less whether I’m there or not, she barks till she sees me and then it’s over.  She also gets to enjoy some freedom because I let her out to play while her friend is stuck in his kennel.

You should see me as I clean.  Headphones in my ears while I tip toe around doing what I can to avoid, as far as I can tell, the territory he has marked out as the Amanda free zone.  Duster in hand I clean quickly in peace.  That is until I get to the Dead Zone, then I have to shift to slow motion in hopes of avoiding his fang dripping wrath.  It never works though.  And it doesn’t stop with the dusting, I have to come round to sweep, vacuum and mop too.  Until I’m out of site he is filled with rage.  You might think I should try bribing him . . . didn’t work, I’ve already tried.  Maybe some soothing words could help, but you would be wrong there too.

Without fail he gets me to jump out of my skin every time even while I am aware that his snarl is on its way.  Here is the funny part though, I know the dog can’t get out to hurt me because he has tried hard enough and failed, but his aggression seems to give me amnesia and I suddenly begin to cower.

This Friday I realized that there is someone, a person mind you, who effects me in the same way as that angry dog.  I tip toe around them, trying to use my soft voice, offer them what I think they want, all for not.  In the end they always make me jump with fear.  After an encounter with them I have tingling fingers from the adrenalin charging through my body just like my dog run ins.

Recently I took a stand and spoke my mind, well I replied to an email to be more specific.  I can’t explain fully how I felt.  I should have been overjoyed but I actually was trembling as I waited for their bitter response . . . that’s when I saw the hold of fear they had over me.  And I suddenly thought of the words “Perfect love casts out all fear, and God did not give us a spirit of fear but of power and love and a sound mind.”

As I lay on my bed coaching myself to not let fear take over, I reminded myself of the worst that could happen.  I found that the cost of truth didn’t have a major price other than that person hating me.  It was like me coaching myself to not be afraid of the dog, knowing that he couldn’t get out, “You’re safe, don’t let this jangle your nerves”.

I guess I still don’t know where things stand with my barking person, but at least this problem is teaching me to not let fear control me.

I still wish that there was something more that could be done with them.  I want thing to be good and I want for them to understand that I still care.  In fact, it has caused me some heart ache at their unwillingness to accept my words of honesty.  I won’t let this stop my love for them, but I also have to see things as they are . . . they don’t know how to love people well.  So until they change I’ll have to keep them in their kennel so to speak, until they stop trying to intimidate me.

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.  We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen.  And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother.” 1John 4:18-21, “

“Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble.  Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.” 1 Peter 3:8-9

The Family Tree, New Discoveries

I’ve been wondering for a long time about my great grandparents, wondering who they were, what they loved and how my identity might change if I knew the history of my ancestors' past.

The problem is that I really know very little about the generations before me.  This has always been a bit sad to me, but last week a new stream from my family past, which had been dammed up, was now flowing!  My grandfather, whom I have never met, passed away.  It was a pretty sad thing at first, but what came out of my parents visit to his widow shed so much light on things.  I learned that my Grandfather was one of those people who said, “I’ll never do that again, or go through that again”.  Which hit me hard, because I am prone to being that kind of person . . . learning from mistakes is one of my greatest strengths, but it's also my biggest weakness.  My Grandfather’s fears of pain could be the very reason he never let us get to know him and that was one lesson from the past to take to heart.

I also learned that he was interested in investments and was great with money.  I thought that that was funny because so am I.  He was artistic, something I did already know, and this is something I like as well.  And as I looked at the picture of him in his 40’s I almost cried because I could see his hands were so much like my fathers hands, strong and kind.  His chin was the same as my Dad’s chin too.  Some how I felt like I was meeting him for the first time and it made me think we would have become chums if only he had let us in . . .

My Grandfather

I also learned some things about my great grandparents.  They came to the US from Germany and my Grandfather was the first in his family to be born here in the United States.  I heard about what region they were from and I learned that there are many people from his side of the family still living!

So all this history made me think of who I am and what things in my life have been important.  If I were to die what would I want people to know about me?  What were the things that made me the person that I am today?

Suddenly my mind had bullet points of life changing events.  And here is what they are.

• When I was 7 I begged my parents to let me be baptized.  They thought I was too young and didn’t know what I was asking to do.  But after weeks of my begging they finally said, “Do you even know what that means?”  I told them that knew what it meant.  It was a way of telling everyone that I really loved God and that I would serve God for the rest of my life.  After that they said yes and my dad was right there with me when I got baptized.
• Not quite a year later I went to a summer kids church service and there a speaker talked about the Holy Spirit coming into people.  He said it was like having an extra measure of God and if you wanted it all you had to do was ask.  My heart was pounding while I waited for him to say come forward.  I rushed up, he prayed for all of the kids, and something happened.  I knew God was filling me up with more of him!
• That’s when I started to have dreams.  They were different than the usual scary or weird dreams that kids have.  I dreamed about Jesus and all sorts of other things.  I would dream something and then like two weeks or a few months later I would be living what I had dreamed.
• I also learned that I had a reading problem.  No matter how hard I tried I wasn’t able to break the code to read.  My mom searched and searched for an answer and finally when I was about 10 or 11 we found the answers we needed.  That struggle taught me never to give up!  You can do anything as long as you’re willing to work hard.
• When I was 14 I hated how different I was so I said, enough with the God stuff.  After about 3 or 4 months of me turning into the worst version of myself I could be I went to a youth conference, and while I was there I remembered who I really was and I recommitted myself to God.  I started to forgive people I had held hatred in my heart for and I began to change.
• When I was 15 crying in my room, feeling so alone, I suddenly felt that God was there.  Don’t ask me to explain it or prove it, I just knew he was there.  Suddenly I felt peace.  God was there and he made sure that I knew/felt his love.

Those were the major things that lead me to where I am now.  Of course there were may other struggles, people I dated, YWAM, and jobs that have been a part of the process but there really isn’t enough room to recount them.  These are the things that really matter to me, the things that started me on my journey and have been like a car that covers me along the way.  These are the things I’m reminded of often when I want to quite or when I feel defeated.  These are the memories that make me who I am and the reasons behind the things I do.

Me wearing the hat that belonged to my Grandfather

No matter what new things I learn about the family I never knew, I will still be me, but it is amazing to know more about my heritage!

Forgotten Love

Have you ever hit your head so hard that you got a concussion?  One of the main things you have to be careful of is taking a nap afterwards because if you fall asleep you may not wake up at all.  As a precaution you actually have to be woken every hour or so.

I can’t tell you when I hit my emotional head last, but I’m pretty sure I've had a concussion for a while and didn’t even know it!  I was looking back at the past writing I had been working on when I started to wake up so to speak.  I had yet again fallen into a dead sleeping stupor.  Finding this misplaced blog was my wake up call.

--Last night and this morning I have been flooded with some very wonderful memories of words that I was given over a year ago.  One of those words echoed in my heart after I read Mark 14:3b-9.  The story is about a woman who gives up a very valuable perfume to pour onto Jesus.  This was the best that she could do to honor Jesus as the King that he was, but to those around her it was like tearing up thousand bucks and throwing it in the wind.  Amazingly enough Jesus very boldly shuts these critics up, by saying that this woman would always be talked about as someone who had done the right thing!!!

In contrast, for the first time I saw that after a very sound rebuke from Jesus about loving money more than God, Judas makes a powerful choice.  He seeks out the leading priests and sells Jesus’ life for a bit of gold.

Two people who seemed to be followers of Jesus, one of which had been traveling with Jesus for three years, but two different actions.  One poured out their best gift…I can almost smell the fragrance trailing behind Jesus as he rides the donkey into town, with the crowds shouting, “Hosanna!” (John12)  The other rushes off to get what he can while the getting is good.

Choosing to be single because you want to serve God with your life is like a costly perfume too.  I have often felt the frowns from those that I love as they say to themselves, “What a waste.  Amanda could be such a great mom, great wife, but instead she refuses to get her life together so she can be married.”  I remember the day that God told me that he saw my sacrifice as a beautiful gift and that HE would rebuke those who were disparaging my offering of love.--

The promises of God’s love for me is something that I too often forget.  I seem to get rapped up in how strange I feel, how little I fit in, and lost in the swirling words of other's disapproval and judgment.  Reading this almost posted blog was just what I needed to refresh my mind and bring my life back into focus.

 

Out Growing the Past. . .And Moving On

I'm sure that you know what day hit us last week.  Yes, that dreaded day of days which every unattached person tries to hide from, mostly because it gets you thinking.  Thoughts usually begin with what last year’s Valentines day looked like, then it shifts to counting how many years it’s been since you last had a date worth remembering and finally ending with the memories of your relationships that almost had a happily-ever-after instead of ending in catastrophe.

I’m no different than the rest.  I had my thoughts too, but it seemed funny to me this time around.  As I remembered myself at 22 and the man that I wanted to spend my life with from that season, it felt foreign to me.  That maddening magic which had made me lose my senses so long ago seemed to have worn off completely.

Funny enough about 5 months ago my former Prince Charmless contacted me.  Seeing his FB message made me nearly pass out with surprise.  I found that I didn’t have any hurt feelings or much of any feelings in connection with this person whom I had held out hope for even 2 years after our break up.  This time he was coming to me, hoping to come back, but it stirred nothing within me other than a willingness to move on and let him go.  Wishing him well I waved goodbye as I closed and locked that door to my past.

So my Valentines day thoughts led me to wonder if it would ever have actually worked.  With me being a different person and him, I'm assuming here, being different, could it have been something worth having?  What I found was that I could never, and would never, want the past to be my present.  I had changed so completely from 6 years ago that we would never match up now.  And as I see things through the vision of a woman and not the eyes of a young girl, I see that I want more, I believe I’m worth more, and that I should be looking for more.  I truly am nothing like the person of my past…I would like to think that I have grown into someone more confident, more kind…and quite frankly less foolish. 

Today, after watching a TLC show I felt the urge to take out the dress that I had hoped to wear so very long ago.  I looked at it, remembered it like a dream faded, and after seeing that it really didn’t fit me anymore I put it back into the garment bag with no more thoughts of it playing a role in my future.  I’m glad I have outgrown the past because that means I can take on the present.  The possibilities for my present fill me with renewed hope! 

The Glass Is Half Full

Usually around my birthday in August and the first of the year I begin to think about life.  You know the thoughts most of us have: Where has the year gone; Did I do the things I wanted to do; Was there much to show for one more year of life.

But today suddenly the direction of my thoughts switched from regret to the half full side of things.  I'm not sure if this had anything to do with the quick read of a few pages of the book Who Switched Off My Brain Bye Dr Caroline Leaf, but there it was.  My mind turned over the year and these are the good things that I found

1. A family relationship that I thought beyond repair was mended
2. I started my own business and things have been great
3. No debt
4. I took a wonderful vacation to the beach
5. I was able to encourage a few younger ladies with my past mistakes so that they could avoid some of the heart ache that I wasn't able to miss
6. And although I have lost some friendships I have been able to make some new ones that might turn out to be life long friends.

Today reminded me that how I CHOOSE to see things is up to me.  I don't need to be fake and plaster on a smile, but I don't want to be blind and miss the good stuff either.  Who knows if this year will be all that I hope for. . . but last year gave me some amazing things that I didn't imagine could take place either.

I want to overcome the past and fully enjoy the future, so I'm taking a deep breath as I welcome 2013 and all the possibilities that it brings.