Forgotten Love

Have you ever hit your head so hard that you got a concussion?  One of the main things you have to be careful of is taking a nap afterwards because if you fall asleep you may not wake up at all.  As a precaution you actually have to be woken every hour or so.

I can’t tell you when I hit my emotional head last, but I’m pretty sure I've had a concussion for a while and didn’t even know it!  I was looking back at the past writing I had been working on when I started to wake up so to speak.  I had yet again fallen into a dead sleeping stupor.  Finding this misplaced blog was my wake up call.

--Last night and this morning I have been flooded with some very wonderful memories of words that I was given over a year ago.  One of those words echoed in my heart after I read Mark 14:3b-9.  The story is about a woman who gives up a very valuable perfume to pour onto Jesus.  This was the best that she could do to honor Jesus as the King that he was, but to those around her it was like tearing up thousand bucks and throwing it in the wind.  Amazingly enough Jesus very boldly shuts these critics up, by saying that this woman would always be talked about as someone who had done the right thing!!!

In contrast, for the first time I saw that after a very sound rebuke from Jesus about loving money more than God, Judas makes a powerful choice.  He seeks out the leading priests and sells Jesus’ life for a bit of gold.

Two people who seemed to be followers of Jesus, one of which had been traveling with Jesus for three years, but two different actions.  One poured out their best gift…I can almost smell the fragrance trailing behind Jesus as he rides the donkey into town, with the crowds shouting, “Hosanna!” (John12)  The other rushes off to get what he can while the getting is good.

Choosing to be single because you want to serve God with your life is like a costly perfume too.  I have often felt the frowns from those that I love as they say to themselves, “What a waste.  Amanda could be such a great mom, great wife, but instead she refuses to get her life together so she can be married.”  I remember the day that God told me that he saw my sacrifice as a beautiful gift and that HE would rebuke those who were disparaging my offering of love.--

The promises of God’s love for me is something that I too often forget.  I seem to get rapped up in how strange I feel, how little I fit in, and lost in the swirling words of other's disapproval and judgment.  Reading this almost posted blog was just what I needed to refresh my mind and bring my life back into focus.

 

Out Growing the Past. . .And Moving On

I'm sure that you know what day hit us last week.  Yes, that dreaded day of days which every unattached person tries to hide from, mostly because it gets you thinking.  Thoughts usually begin with what last year’s Valentines day looked like, then it shifts to counting how many years it’s been since you last had a date worth remembering and finally ending with the memories of your relationships that almost had a happily-ever-after instead of ending in catastrophe.

I’m no different than the rest.  I had my thoughts too, but it seemed funny to me this time around.  As I remembered myself at 22 and the man that I wanted to spend my life with from that season, it felt foreign to me.  That maddening magic which had made me lose my senses so long ago seemed to have worn off completely.

Funny enough about 5 months ago my former Prince Charmless contacted me.  Seeing his FB message made me nearly pass out with surprise.  I found that I didn’t have any hurt feelings or much of any feelings in connection with this person whom I had held out hope for even 2 years after our break up.  This time he was coming to me, hoping to come back, but it stirred nothing within me other than a willingness to move on and let him go.  Wishing him well I waved goodbye as I closed and locked that door to my past.

So my Valentines day thoughts led me to wonder if it would ever have actually worked.  With me being a different person and him, I'm assuming here, being different, could it have been something worth having?  What I found was that I could never, and would never, want the past to be my present.  I had changed so completely from 6 years ago that we would never match up now.  And as I see things through the vision of a woman and not the eyes of a young girl, I see that I want more, I believe I’m worth more, and that I should be looking for more.  I truly am nothing like the person of my past…I would like to think that I have grown into someone more confident, more kind…and quite frankly less foolish. 

Today, after watching a TLC show I felt the urge to take out the dress that I had hoped to wear so very long ago.  I looked at it, remembered it like a dream faded, and after seeing that it really didn’t fit me anymore I put it back into the garment bag with no more thoughts of it playing a role in my future.  I’m glad I have outgrown the past because that means I can take on the present.  The possibilities for my present fill me with renewed hope!