Forgotten Love

Have you ever hit your head so hard that you got a concussion?  One of the main things you have to be careful of is taking a nap afterwards because if you fall asleep you may not wake up at all.  As a precaution you actually have to be woken every hour or so.

I can’t tell you when I hit my emotional head last, but I’m pretty sure I've had a concussion for a while and didn’t even know it!  I was looking back at the past writing I had been working on when I started to wake up so to speak.  I had yet again fallen into a dead sleeping stupor.  Finding this misplaced blog was my wake up call.

--Last night and this morning I have been flooded with some very wonderful memories of words that I was given over a year ago.  One of those words echoed in my heart after I read Mark 14:3b-9.  The story is about a woman who gives up a very valuable perfume to pour onto Jesus.  This was the best that she could do to honor Jesus as the King that he was, but to those around her it was like tearing up thousand bucks and throwing it in the wind.  Amazingly enough Jesus very boldly shuts these critics up, by saying that this woman would always be talked about as someone who had done the right thing!!!

In contrast, for the first time I saw that after a very sound rebuke from Jesus about loving money more than God, Judas makes a powerful choice.  He seeks out the leading priests and sells Jesus’ life for a bit of gold.

Two people who seemed to be followers of Jesus, one of which had been traveling with Jesus for three years, but two different actions.  One poured out their best gift…I can almost smell the fragrance trailing behind Jesus as he rides the donkey into town, with the crowds shouting, “Hosanna!” (John12)  The other rushes off to get what he can while the getting is good.

Choosing to be single because you want to serve God with your life is like a costly perfume too.  I have often felt the frowns from those that I love as they say to themselves, “What a waste.  Amanda could be such a great mom, great wife, but instead she refuses to get her life together so she can be married.”  I remember the day that God told me that he saw my sacrifice as a beautiful gift and that HE would rebuke those who were disparaging my offering of love.--

The promises of God’s love for me is something that I too often forget.  I seem to get rapped up in how strange I feel, how little I fit in, and lost in the swirling words of other's disapproval and judgment.  Reading this almost posted blog was just what I needed to refresh my mind and bring my life back into focus.

 

Out Growing the Past. . .And Moving On

I'm sure that you know what day hit us last week.  Yes, that dreaded day of days which every unattached person tries to hide from, mostly because it gets you thinking.  Thoughts usually begin with what last year’s Valentines day looked like, then it shifts to counting how many years it’s been since you last had a date worth remembering and finally ending with the memories of your relationships that almost had a happily-ever-after instead of ending in catastrophe.

I’m no different than the rest.  I had my thoughts too, but it seemed funny to me this time around.  As I remembered myself at 22 and the man that I wanted to spend my life with from that season, it felt foreign to me.  That maddening magic which had made me lose my senses so long ago seemed to have worn off completely.

Funny enough about 5 months ago my former Prince Charmless contacted me.  Seeing his FB message made me nearly pass out with surprise.  I found that I didn’t have any hurt feelings or much of any feelings in connection with this person whom I had held out hope for even 2 years after our break up.  This time he was coming to me, hoping to come back, but it stirred nothing within me other than a willingness to move on and let him go.  Wishing him well I waved goodbye as I closed and locked that door to my past.

So my Valentines day thoughts led me to wonder if it would ever have actually worked.  With me being a different person and him, I'm assuming here, being different, could it have been something worth having?  What I found was that I could never, and would never, want the past to be my present.  I had changed so completely from 6 years ago that we would never match up now.  And as I see things through the vision of a woman and not the eyes of a young girl, I see that I want more, I believe I’m worth more, and that I should be looking for more.  I truly am nothing like the person of my past…I would like to think that I have grown into someone more confident, more kind…and quite frankly less foolish. 

Today, after watching a TLC show I felt the urge to take out the dress that I had hoped to wear so very long ago.  I looked at it, remembered it like a dream faded, and after seeing that it really didn’t fit me anymore I put it back into the garment bag with no more thoughts of it playing a role in my future.  I’m glad I have outgrown the past because that means I can take on the present.  The possibilities for my present fill me with renewed hope! 

The Glass Is Half Full

Usually around my birthday in August and the first of the year I begin to think about life.  You know the thoughts most of us have: Where has the year gone; Did I do the things I wanted to do; Was there much to show for one more year of life.

But today suddenly the direction of my thoughts switched from regret to the half full side of things.  I'm not sure if this had anything to do with the quick read of a few pages of the book Who Switched Off My Brain Bye Dr Caroline Leaf, but there it was.  My mind turned over the year and these are the good things that I found

1. A family relationship that I thought beyond repair was mended
2. I started my own business and things have been great
3. No debt
4. I took a wonderful vacation to the beach
5. I was able to encourage a few younger ladies with my past mistakes so that they could avoid some of the heart ache that I wasn't able to miss
6. And although I have lost some friendships I have been able to make some new ones that might turn out to be life long friends.

Today reminded me that how I CHOOSE to see things is up to me.  I don't need to be fake and plaster on a smile, but I don't want to be blind and miss the good stuff either.  Who knows if this year will be all that I hope for. . . but last year gave me some amazing things that I didn't imagine could take place either.

I want to overcome the past and fully enjoy the future, so I'm taking a deep breath as I welcome 2013 and all the possibilities that it brings. 

Lessons from the trees

With fall on it's way many people are out in their gardens and yards doing a bit of work.  Today I was helping my Dad with some work in our back yard.  After I asked to see what I could do to help he directed me to a shovel and said that I could dig up some of the little trees that were growing here and there. 

Sounded simple enough to me so off I went with gloves on ready to pull up the tree.  But as I started to dig a bit I found out that these little trees were very deceiving to the eye.  Just a couple of inches high, thanks to the mowing from the last two years, but as I dug and then tried to pull up the roots I was very surprised!  The roots were huge!  I pull and yanked and tugged, I got the shovel and tried to use it to pry them loose.  Foot by foot these roots were revealed stopping just short of Australia and China. 

As I kept on in my excavation of these pesky roots I thought of how Jesus taught using gardening in many parables.  Back then everyone would have clearly understood what he was driving at because they all worked the land for food.  Than one thought lead to the next and I was reminded of James 1:13-25 which I had been studying the week before. It’s all about hearing someone tell you how to live a Christian life, but staying the same and thinking it was ok.

“When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.”  For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when by his own evil desires, is dragged away and enticed.  Then, after desire has conceived it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full grown gives birth to death.” James 1:13-15

Those words "Sin when it is full grown brings death," has always hit me hard.  I can't even imagine getting the roots in our yard up after 2 more years of growth...it would take a truck and a backhoe to get them out if I waited that long.

So there was my lesson.  We often think that we are choosing to sin in a small way and that it won’t really make a difference.  Then it grows to another “slightly worse sin” that we say isn’t that big of a deal.  One day, maybe after going to church, we feel sort of convicted that we have a problem so we do a quick little prayer, “Sorry God, thanks for forgiving me. Amen”.  We mow over the plants of sin that cropped up in our hearts and vow to live changed lives, thinking that will be enough.  But one day we find ourselves back where we started, little trees all over the place showing us that we need some help.  Something in us knows we’re in over our heads, but to actually TELL someone our dirty struggle, or to find a counselor to help is usually the thing we fight hardest against.  We tell ourselves it really isn't even that bad.  But from my lesson today, things under the surface are often much more severe than what is seen at a glance and the longer we put off confession and seeking help for our struggles the bigger the roots get and the more things will be torn up in the process of getting the secrets out.

“This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all.  If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth.   But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.  If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.  If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.  If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives.” 1John 1:5-10

 “Therefore confess yours sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.  My brothers, if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring him back, remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of his ways will save him from death and cover over a multitude of sins.” James 5:16;19-20

The Test of Plenty

As I look around I see many people that I love going through hardships which are teaching them to endure.  The testing of our metal is something that each of us will face several times in our lives.  Can we make it through the pressure?  Will we stretch out our hands and cry out to God or hate him instead?  Will we keep on believing in a good God while life feels anything but good, or will we give up and give in? 

I’ve been in this kind of place more times than I can count and managed to hang on because of God's love.  As strange as it sounds I feel I am in a new kind of test…the test of having more than I need.  You might say that this isn’t a test and that I should shut up and enjoy myself while I can.  But that's just it... as much as this time of peace is a gift from God the enjoyment of that gift is the very thing that has threatened to make me apathetic.  There is a temptation to forget God who has helped me through the hard times as I kick back and relax in this times of plenty.

I must admit that it is very easy to work all the time, pile up savings, play, stay entertained and sleep the rest of the time, but I've had to choose to seek God for wisdom and guidance as things are moving along smoothly.

One of my favorite books in the Bible is Deuteronomy because there is so much in it about human nature.  It shows how we can be ungrateful on the heals of being saved, how we can have our bellies filled and still be unsatisfied and how we can see our dreams fulfilled by God and then completely forget all about HIM.  One of my favorite verses from Deuteronomy came to mind today.

“Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.  When the LORD your God brings you into the land he swore to your fathers, to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, to give you--a land with large, flourishing cities you did not build, houses filled with all kinds of good things you did not provide, wells you did not dig, and vineyards and olive groves you did not plant--then when you eat and are satisfied, be careful that you do not forget the LORD, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery.” Deuteronomy 6:4-12 (NIV)

It can happen, as crazy as it seems, we can forget all about God and how HE is the reason life is worth living.  This is something I am now aware of.  I still need God, I still desire to have him in my heart and thoughts daily.  So it is a choice for me to pray in times when I don't need to cry out for help and replace those prayers with words of thankfulness to God for his goodness to me.  To sing songs of praise, not because I need to be pulled out of the mire of discouragement but rather to celebrate God’s faithfulness to me.  I think I was close to loosing this battle of ease, but maybe God will be able to trust me with his promise land knowing that I won’t loose sight of him because of it.  This is one test I want to pass!!!

That's Easy For You to Say

“Oh come on,” I said to my Dad as we played a dice game called 10,00 “the risk is worth it!  What do you have to loose, you’re so far behind anyways.”  He listened to me, rolled the dice again and lost it all.  I felt bad.

Now it was my turn.  I rolled and planned to stop, take my points and run, that is until I heard my Dad echoing my words, “What have you got to loose you’re so far bind anyways, go for it!”  Instinct said don’t be crazy stay with the safe choice! I blurted out, “I want to stay with the points that I’ve got, but than I guess that would make me a HYPOCRITE since I just convinced Dad to risk it all.”  Every one expected me to stay but instead I rolled, not out of the thrill of the gamble, but out of a need to practice what I preached.  I couldn’t believe my eyes, I didn’t loose it all!  I had just accumulated even more points!  I laughed almost uncontrollably at this ironic out come.  And everyone else laughed, gasped and looked on in shock.  I had just beat the odds!

When it comes to life it seems that everyone can tell you how to live yours.  They’re just chocked full of advice, but most of these pushy advisers seem to be full of talk and empty when it comes to application.  Because of the work that I do I've been seeing the same example repeating its self.  I happen to have a cleaning busyness that has been doing pretty good lately and one type of job I’ve been getting more often is to clean homes before people move in.  It really is amazing how people can get so used to their own grime that they don’t even notice it, but put a stranger in that same environment and there are gasps of shock at how anyone can live like that.  Yet, take that same person who goes on and on over the filth of the previous dwellers into their current home and you often find the same erosion of time and grime having it’s affect in their space.  

Some how this seems funny to me and it made me think that this is also how people look at others as they judge them.  We seem to be able to see someone's problems so much easier from the outside looking in because we have a fresh perspective and we haven’t become accustomed to the over all neglect of personal wisdom in life choices.  Yet we don’t manage to see our own problems…phrases like “Those who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.” and “They can’t see the forest for the trees”, “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” come to mind. 

So what’s to be done, do we stop giving someone the advice that might save them from heart ache because we really have no right to be giving them a tip on life that we ourselves haven’t applied?  Will they listen to us? 

Luke 6:39-42 He also told them this parable: "Can a blind man lead a blind man? Will they not both fall into a pit?  A student is not above his teacher, but everyone who is fully trained will be like his teacher.  "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?  How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.

If you want to change/help others you must first change yourself.  If you want to be heard, make sure you’re living life in such a way that people are ASKING you for what you think in how to handle a certain situation.  Live life in wisdom and people who are in need of some guidance are more likely to want to hear what you have to say. 

The Battle for Identity

Lately I’ve wanted to revolt against the crowd so to speak.  I’ve had several people that are very different from me try to say that we are alike and I’ve had others try to change my thoughts and values, as well as my confidence in myself, into what they think these thought and values should be.  I found myself wanting to shout, “No, I’m not you! I’m me!” Last week with all the pressure to conform, to change, to fear myself and believe that I am who others say I am, I reached my boiling point.  How many times a day would I have to draw a line in the sand to mark my stand for myself and for who I know I am?  I found that the answer was; as many times as it takes to not loose ground.

Then I was reminded of the wise words of a 4 year old that I was a nanny for; after I made the innocent statement that her new baby sister looked just like 4 year old Grace she replied, “No, she doesn’t!  She looks like herself!”  No truer words could have been said, it was wisdom in its simplicity.

I can’t believe that I am the only sufferer of others projecting their own mistakes and fears onto those around them, or perhaps their own hopes and dreams.  And I must confess that I am also guilty of this life sucking action. 

I understand that it’s normal to want to share things in common with others, not a bad thing, but having similarities and common interests doesn’t make someone your clone nor should they have to become just like you in order for you to accept them.  We aren’t alone in life simply because there isn’t someone just like us.  We can still be understood and have confidence without having everyone think the way we do. The challenge for all of us is to try to see people as they are.

I guess that’s what’s been ailing me.  Others projecting their own life experiences, dreams and even fears onto me has tripped me up.  I began to wonder if I was ok, and wonder if I was blocking out life.  Surely, these people who shared with me their thoughts knew something I didn’t know.  For instance, some people are very happy in marriage and blessed to be parents.  Of course marriage and parenting comes at a cost in some ways but there are major benefits too, it’s often the thing that makes people grow as individuals.  So was my singleness holding me back from having joy and growth?  I’ve felt that this was the implied thought by many.  Even the way they were trying to fix this so called problem further made the point.  Solution, find Amanda a husband.  Never mind that I might not like the guy, never mind that we have nothing in common other than both of us being free for dinner this Friday night.  Surely this was the person to complete me.  Really?  Is finding one’s life mate so simple?  And can people who don’t seem to get me really find someone that would be a good match?  Am I stubborn for not being more desperate?

However, it isn’t just the marriage thing that got under my skin.  It was people’s fears and mistakes from their own past being put on me that hurt most . . . they were certain that I would go in the same direction that made them stumble?  One drink and you might become dependent, they say.  You need a better job, you need more friends, you aren’t a good Christian if you don’t have a church etc. Because their way of survival is to make as much money as possible, even if that job wrecks their health, to feel accomplished.  Because having time to themselves makes them feel alone, so they have to fill that void with needy people who constantly want saving, which also helps them feel superior.  Because going to church holds them together and gives them a feeling of being on the right track to holiness even if they aren’t growing in the ways that they could be. 

Like I said, life is a battle!  It’s a battle to love people while they hurt you deeply.  It’s a battle to hang onto your identity when you’re told you could do better than being what you are.  It’s even a battle to not do the same thing to those around you!  Mostly I think these problems are rooted in the fact that we live in a crazy world that is in need of understanding who they are through an understanding of who God is.  He did make each of us right?  He made us to be different, to be individuals, and I think he made us to see the differences in others and enjoy those differences.  He made us to be healthy and balance, and he made us to follow him and become more like his Son Jesus.  So Jesus is the standard that I’m trying to live by . . . me Amanda (Last name) am trying to live by that standard and I’ll let God sort out all the rest.

“Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose. Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life—in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing.” Philippians 2:12-16

“But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ.  What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith.  I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.  All of us who are mature should take such a view of things.  And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. Only let us live up to what we have already attained.” Philippians 37-11;15-16