The Battle for Identity

Lately I’ve wanted to revolt against the crowd so to speak.  I’ve had several people that are very different from me try to say that we are alike and I’ve had others try to change my thoughts and values, as well as my confidence in myself, into what they think these thought and values should be.  I found myself wanting to shout, “No, I’m not you! I’m me!” Last week with all the pressure to conform, to change, to fear myself and believe that I am who others say I am, I reached my boiling point.  How many times a day would I have to draw a line in the sand to mark my stand for myself and for who I know I am?  I found that the answer was; as many times as it takes to not loose ground.

Then I was reminded of the wise words of a 4 year old that I was a nanny for; after I made the innocent statement that her new baby sister looked just like 4 year old Grace she replied, “No, she doesn’t!  She looks like herself!”  No truer words could have been said, it was wisdom in its simplicity.

I can’t believe that I am the only sufferer of others projecting their own mistakes and fears onto those around them, or perhaps their own hopes and dreams.  And I must confess that I am also guilty of this life sucking action. 

I understand that it’s normal to want to share things in common with others, not a bad thing, but having similarities and common interests doesn’t make someone your clone nor should they have to become just like you in order for you to accept them.  We aren’t alone in life simply because there isn’t someone just like us.  We can still be understood and have confidence without having everyone think the way we do. The challenge for all of us is to try to see people as they are.

I guess that’s what’s been ailing me.  Others projecting their own life experiences, dreams and even fears onto me has tripped me up.  I began to wonder if I was ok, and wonder if I was blocking out life.  Surely, these people who shared with me their thoughts knew something I didn’t know.  For instance, some people are very happy in marriage and blessed to be parents.  Of course marriage and parenting comes at a cost in some ways but there are major benefits too, it’s often the thing that makes people grow as individuals.  So was my singleness holding me back from having joy and growth?  I’ve felt that this was the implied thought by many.  Even the way they were trying to fix this so called problem further made the point.  Solution, find Amanda a husband.  Never mind that I might not like the guy, never mind that we have nothing in common other than both of us being free for dinner this Friday night.  Surely this was the person to complete me.  Really?  Is finding one’s life mate so simple?  And can people who don’t seem to get me really find someone that would be a good match?  Am I stubborn for not being more desperate?

However, it isn’t just the marriage thing that got under my skin.  It was people’s fears and mistakes from their own past being put on me that hurt most . . . they were certain that I would go in the same direction that made them stumble?  One drink and you might become dependent, they say.  You need a better job, you need more friends, you aren’t a good Christian if you don’t have a church etc. Because their way of survival is to make as much money as possible, even if that job wrecks their health, to feel accomplished.  Because having time to themselves makes them feel alone, so they have to fill that void with needy people who constantly want saving, which also helps them feel superior.  Because going to church holds them together and gives them a feeling of being on the right track to holiness even if they aren’t growing in the ways that they could be. 

Like I said, life is a battle!  It’s a battle to love people while they hurt you deeply.  It’s a battle to hang onto your identity when you’re told you could do better than being what you are.  It’s even a battle to not do the same thing to those around you!  Mostly I think these problems are rooted in the fact that we live in a crazy world that is in need of understanding who they are through an understanding of who God is.  He did make each of us right?  He made us to be different, to be individuals, and I think he made us to see the differences in others and enjoy those differences.  He made us to be healthy and balance, and he made us to follow him and become more like his Son Jesus.  So Jesus is the standard that I’m trying to live by . . . me Amanda (Last name) am trying to live by that standard and I’ll let God sort out all the rest.

“Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose. Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life—in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing.” Philippians 2:12-16

“But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ.  What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith.  I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.  All of us who are mature should take such a view of things.  And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. Only let us live up to what we have already attained.” Philippians 37-11;15-16